Self-punishment?

Shortly after I completed my last post, my 2-year-old slammed the dishwasher door shut, with the tip of my little finger inconveniently in the way. I have refreshed my empathy for my kids when they get their fingers squished. I rarely cry in pain; I sobbed. For quite a while. It was about an hour and a half before I was able to convince myself that the bone wasn't broken.

I got to thinking--did I bring this on myself? Did I have a need to punish myself for being nice to myself? (As you have probably figured out, "austere self-discipline" has been used to characterize me.) If it were a punishment I brought on myself, it was quite creative: It inflicted intense pain, but, after a few hours, did not significantly impact my ability to do things.

I did take the rest of the day off. A couple of times, I went into the kitchen to try to make a dent in the constantly-recurring pile of dirty dishes, and reconsidered. The flip side of self-punishment is noting that in injury gives me an excuse to take it easy. Hmm.

This morning, I tried to convince myself that allowing myself to take a shower on a Saturday morning was being nice to myself, but even I decided that was pretty lame. I have taken the ornaments off the Christmas tree and packed them away, which counts toward my other resolution (doing at least one thing every day that didn't need to be done THAT day, that contributes to the order or enjoyment of the house), but doesn't count as being nice to myself. In fact, it generally puts me in a rather crappy mood. I need to pay the bills too, which would also count toward the other resolution, but not this one. I don't have a lot of ideas today. Things that appeal to me on other days aren't feeling appealing right now.

When I first mentioned to my husband that I was considering this resolution, he thought I was joking; he didn't see how it would be hard at all. He doesn't live inside my head. My sister understands; she has joined me in this resolution. I don't think she has made it on to this blog yet, but so far she has gone to bed early, taken a leisurely shower, and used some nice hand lotion. If you tend to work too hard, push yourself too hard, and not take time for yourself, join me!

Be Nice To Yourself Today!

Bonny Joy